Your Souvenir Guide

Disneyland Ex Machina

This week in Disneyland news: Ay, chihuahua


Toy Story Midway Mania, the first new attraction to open at Disney’s California Adventure since the last one, debuts on June 17. Presumably, there are press/cast member previews happening even now. Soooooome-where out there…

I am not in Anaheim to enjoy those preview rides, and I have a lot of blame to spread around for that. I blame the Hollywood elite for not making me a half-a-millionaire. (Option me, Jerry Bruckheimer! Go easy, though, it’s my first time.) I blame Disney for not hiring me out of high school, despite my long hair, lack of a social security number and winningly insouciant manner. And I blame society, because society is always good for a shitload of blame.

But these are quibbles. For the most part, I place the blame on the rising price of oil. I just can’t afford to jet from Seattle to Anaheim and expect to keep myself in the manner to which I’ve become accustomed.

I imagine that Disney must be looking at spiraling oil prices and wishing that they’d subsidized that Anaheim-to-Vegas bullet train years ago. Disney has no problem filling both parks with discounted locals and “passholes,” but it’s the out-of-towners that feed the kitty by staying in local hotels, scarfing down overpriced meals and shelling out for three-day admissions.

Disney is putting up a brave front, but I imagine that the face concealed underneath that big plastic Mickey head has a furrowed brow and an expectant look. Toy Story Midway Mania’s big moment isn’t going to be hobbled by Borderline Bankrupt Mountain or the Crispy Studios Tour. Improbably, it’s going to be bit by the hand that feeds it.

THE VON DRAKE REPORT, NOW IN 3-D! Google Earth has created a three-dimensional model of Walt Disney World. That in itself is wonderful — but using Ludwig Von Drake, Disney’s first hipster nerd (sorry, Cory Doctorow), to give the necessary tutorial pushes it into the realm of the sublime.

I PROMISE TO WAIT UNTIL MILEY’S SCANDAL FINALLY BREAKS. Selena Gomez, a star of one of the Disney Channel original series that I don’t watch because I’m not a 14-year-old girl, recently told Extra that she plans to abstain from sex until she’s married. It’s astonishing that she should even have to make this sort of thing explicit to the celebrity press, but y’know, Lohan. Cyrus. Aguilera. Spears. Disney execs must pine for the days of Doreen Tracey, when ex-Mouseketeers waited until they had cleared their twenties to go NSFW.

BEFORE THEY INTRODUCED MUSTACHE RIDES. Vintage Disneyland Tickets has posted “The Disney Look,” a 1970s-vintage Cast Member handbook detailing the Park’s cosmetic dos and dont’s. Good news: I can have an afro, as long as it’s “neatly packed and shaped.”

NEXT WEEK’S “MOMENT OF ZEN.” Terry McAuliffe, Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairman and former head of the DNC, is going to Disneyland. Disney should hire him to campaign for Disney’s California Adventure, which has yet to win the popular vote.

DANCE THE APOCALYPTO. In the furor leading up to the release of “Wall-E,” the Disney bl-gosphere has been negligent in promoting this little gem. Surely there was an easier way to get even with Mel Gibson and the makers of “Underdog.” As is customary in the wars between Hollywood titans, the public pays the ultimate price: $10 a head and 90 minutes of their lives, just to have their humanity cruelly mocked.



1 Comment

  1. Monty Ashley

    2008/06/08 at 2:31 AM

    I'm spending five straight days in Disneyland later this month, and I'm quite pleased that it's just *after* Toy Story Midway Mania opens. I remember I once spent a day in the park just before Indiana Jones opened, and it was constantly mocking me.

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